


Strangers To Yourselves

by coolbreezemage



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Episode: s02e05 Saints of Imperfection, M/M, Resurrection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29952138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolbreezemage/pseuds/coolbreezemage
Summary: After he's brought back to life, Hugh doesn't know where he belongs, or if he's even the same person anymore. But there's someone else on Discovery going through the same thing, and maybe they can help each other through it.
Relationships: Hugh Culber & Saru, Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets
Comments: 7
Kudos: 9





	Strangers To Yourselves

Hugh couldn’t sleep. The sheets against his skin felt wrong. His skin itself felt wrong, too smooth, too new. The near-inaudible hum of the engines through the plating, the sounds that used to be so familiar to him, now made his head ring like it was hollow, or maybe like it was too full. 

Every time Paul shifted beside him, he jumped to full alertness, ready to fend off another JahSepp attack, before realizing he was home on _Discovery_ and far away from their strange, toxic world. 

He reached for his padd. There was a note from Engineering that they’d managed to unlock his accounts on the computer system. Good, so he wouldn’t have to rebuild his profiles and libraries from scratch. He wondered how many other times they’d had to do this after people were declared dead and then showed up again. It couldn’t have been too many. Then again, this was Starfleet, where absurdities seemed to wait around every corner. 

Paul was still asleep. His sleep had always been erratic. Sometimes he’d snooze through anything, sometimes the slightest shift in the sounds of the engines could wake him. Luckily, tonight seemed to be one of the former sort of nights. So Hugh crept slowly out of bed, and when he was certain he hadn’t disturbed Paul, dressed and headed out the door. 

The night-shift lighting in the corridors was yet another familiar thing that now hit his senses differently. In a few decades he’ll probably be grateful for the refreshed eyes, but right now it was one more strangeness in a place that should be anything but. 

His feet took him to one of the science labs where he’d sometimes watched Paul and Tilly work on experimental components.

It wasn’t empty. Commander Saru sat at one of the consoles, scrolling through a few screens of data. 

He looked up as Hugh entered. “Doctor Culber. You should be resting.”

Hugh recalled a saying about doctors being bad patients. “So should you, from what I’ve heard.” He took a seat at the other desk.

“I know,” Saru said, too lightly, “but there are things that need to be done. The Sphere data will not analyze itself. A pity, considering its other talents, but I will not demean it, especially after what it has done for me.”

Damn, there was a lot buried there in those words. 

“I think I can relate,” Hugh said, and laughed quietly. “So… does that make this a support group or something?”

Saru was quiet a moment. “I don’t see how it can be, if it is only the two of us.”

“A conversation, then. I think I can do that. As a friend, not as your doctor.”

“That is preferable, yes.” Saru set his padd aside.

Well, Hugh had to say something. “I can’t claim to know anything you’ve been through,” he started.

Saru glanced at him. “Nor can I you. You have survived a most remarkable ordeal.”

“So have you.” 

Saru nodded. “I suppose I have.” 

“Michael told me most of it. I would scold you for working while sick, but you’ve probably heard it already from Tracy.” Starfleet officers, no matter the species, were all the same in that regard. That was one thing that hadn’t changed since he’d been gone. He smiled. It felt strange on his face. He wondered how long it would be until anything he did felt natural again. 

“I was sorry to displease her,” Saru said, and to his credit he almost did sound sorry, “but _Discovery_ needed me. As she now needs you.” 

Did she? Hugh wasn’t sure where he belonged anymore. Before he died, that question wouldn’t have needed a moment of thought. Back then, he knew that he belonged with Paul. But now? 

“We knew we were signing up for the unexpected when we came out here in space,” Hugh said, and if he was being honest it was mostly to remind himself. “Especially on an experimental ship like this. But I never in a million years thought I’d be killed by an undercover Klingon and reassembled by mushroom people.” 

“It was an unanticipated turn of events.”

Hugh snorted a laugh. “You could say that.” He held out a hand, no longer marred with burns and the black smudges of powdery bark. “And now I’m back. Good as new, I suppose.” He sighed. “How are you handling it? The changes?”

Saru considered that for a long moment. “It is… very different. A relief, in many ways. To not always feel fear…” He looked away, shook his head, as if remembering something he was ashamed of. Hugh thought he could guess what. “And yet, I do not find myself at ease with it at all. I am finding that I must… relearn my own reactions, my relationship to the world. Some of it is still the same, but much is different. It is… deeply disconcerting.” 

“I know what you mean.” Hugh waved a hand over his chest. “None of this feels right. All the scans say it’s me… but it doesn’t feel like me.” He sighed. “I’m healthier. Stronger, even. Tracy called me a perfect human specimen.” He should consider it a gift. To be home, alive, whole, loved. He rubbed at his shoulder where his scar should be. “But sometimes I don’t even know if I’m still the same person I was before. Like this isn’t the same me who lived my life.” He shook his head. “That sounds so silly. Like an opera or something. Paul would say I’m being sentimental.”

Saru regarded him thoughtfully. “Perhaps being sentimental is not a thing to be avoided,” he said. “I am a scientist, and yet, I still find great meaning in song and story.” 

“Song and story,” Hugh repeated. He nodded. “You’re right. Music is one thing that still feels the same. Still feels like me.”

“If I may risk sounding sentimental myself,” Saru began, “it seems that for whatever reason, the universe has decided to give us the gift of more time. Time in this world, with the people we care for. Presumably, we are meant to make something of it.”

Somehow, when put like that, it almost made sense. “It really makes you think about what’s important.”

“Indeed.” 

There were things Hugh could still do in this world. To help himself and others. One in particular came to mind.

“With your permission,” he began, “I’d like to study your scans from the past few days. It might help us get somewhere on working out the true nature of _vaharai_.”

The request was mostly a formality. As a senior medical officer Hugh could access the files either way and they both knew it. But he also knew how deeply Saru valued his privacy. Which made it sadly ironic that his medical records had probably been passed around to most of Starfleet by now, as the only records on Kelpiens available without breaking General Order One. 

“You may,” Saru said. “I hope you will be able to draw some conclusions. There is too much I do not know. That my _people_ do not know. What am I to expect from my future? My lifespan, my… abilities?” He ran a cautious hand along the side of his head. Hugh wondered if the spines growing in there were causing any pain, but he wasn’t going to interrupt to ask. “Had I been… home, I would not have survived it. I would have been sent to my death before the process could reach its natural end.”

Hugh didn’t even want to think about a world where that was the way of life, where people who might’ve survived were given up for dead because of some arcane tradition, but he owed it to his patient and friend to not look away.

“We’re all glad you’re still here,” he said. “And we’ll help you if you need it.”

“I always believed I could accept it with grace, when it came,” Saru continued after a moment. “As my price to be paid for the sake of the Balance. But when it happened, it was more terrible than I had ever imagined. To think I could no longer exist in this world where I have found a place for myself…”

 _Fight, fight against the dying of the light_ , Hugh thought, and could almost see Paul rolling his eyes at him. Poetry had never been his husband’s thing. 

But if song and story could get him through this, well, Paul would just have to deal with it.

“A place in the world,” Hugh mused. It still didn’t feel as immediately _right_ as it had before. 

“You will always have one here,” Saru promised, “if you choose to remain with us.” He spread his hands. “I will not force your decision, but I hope you will remember that there are many here who agree.”

“Thanks,” Hugh said. “I mean it.”

Saru gave an elegant nod and turned back to the display. “I am also working on a letter of commendation for Ensign Tilly regarding her performance in her encounter with the JahSepp,” he said, in a way that made it gently clear he was done talking about personal things for now. 

“She was incredible,” Hugh agreed. “So brave. If she hadn’t come through, I don’t know what I would have done.” 

“Continued to survive, most likely,” Saru said, with a confidence Hugh didn’t feel, “until the JahSepp eliminated you or their world was irrevocably damaged by your presence.” 

“We’re all very lucky,” Hugh agreed. “We have friends and crewmates who won’t give up on us.” He stood. “I should go back to bed. Paul’s going to be missing me.” He glanced back at Saru. 

“I will retire shortly,” Saru said, before Hugh could tell him. He looked to where Hugh stood at the door. “Our friends have saved our lives countless times,” he said, “but remember that it was your own courage, Doctor, that allowed you to endure long enough to be rescued.”

Courage, Hugh thought, as he headed back to his and Paul’s quarters. Had it been courage that sustained him in that frightening world? Or simple instinct. Did it matter? 

He would certainly need courage in the days to come. To figure out where he belonged. If it was still here. And if he could risk being wrong about it for the chance of finding love again.

When he got back to the bedroom, Paul was still asleep. But that changed as he climbed under the blankets. 

“Hey.” Paul squinted at him in the dark. “What were you doing? Did something come up in Medical? I thought I would’ve heard the alarm.”

“I couldn’t sleep, so I was taking a walk.”

“You never do that. You’re always the one telling me to sleep more.”

“Maybe I do now.” He leaned over and kissed Paul. “But I’m also going to tell you to sleep more.”

They settled back down against the Starfleet-issue pillows.

“We’re gonna be all right, okay?” Paul said. “You’re back now. And we’re gonna stick together.” 

Hugh couldn’t know that for sure. But then, what could he know for sure? Not life and death, or war, or even which universe was real. 

But if he had the courage to try, he might find out. 

“Go to sleep,” he said. “I’ll be here.”


End file.
